"He's Just Not that Into You" Revisited

In the mind-blowing, game-frenzied dating world, how can we tell what our pursuit is actually thinking or feeling??

Ladies: stop reading into stuff!! Just because you meet a male who is consistently kind and courteous towards you, for example at work, greeting you by name with a genuine smile, does not mean he is into you! And taking it one step further, he may even invite you to get dinner or to hang out-- AGAIN stop pairing your name with his last name in sugary cursive, or fantasizing about your wedding and future kids!! Just chill out, and accept and appreciate him for the nice guy that he is.

Male readers, this may sound ludicris, but the cautionary reference above describes an all too familiar reaction among women!!! Is it your fault? Noooo but we will probably still brand you as an asshole for failure to deliver on these fantasies! You must be aware of this perplexing but very real reality and if you are like most guys and can't just straight up tell the girl you don't like her, here are some other ways: Gush to her about other girls, restrict the topic to "guy" jokes and the like, and whatever you do, DO NOT compliment her!!! This may sound rash but these are the only ways this toxically hopeful (yet still quality) woman is going to "get it."

You may feel you have succeeded in conveying this message by dominating most or all conversations with comical exchanges, rather than meaningful dialogue or telltale interest in her life. Perhaps you have engaged in friendly activity such as dancing outright with her in the middle of Six Flags theme park, or even in "guyish" activity like rifiling off bullets at the shooting range. Ironically these types of conversations and experiences have actually only made her LIKE YOU MORE, send electronic conversational artifacts to her friends for analysis, and generally overanalyze your time together to the point of selecting bridesmaids.

So please, if you don't feel "that way" about your single and probably interested female crony, be a man and tell her that you really do value her AS A FRIEND (i.e. nothing more), and if you feel the need to send a stronger, crass yet still respectable, message, tell her you see her as ONE OF THE GUYS. Additionally, talking to her about other girls in a respectful manner will accomplish your lazy (let's be honest) mission of enlightening her, much more rapidly. And please, for the love of Pete, control your hormones and DO NOT engage in physical activity with the woman! While you may view it plainly as a relief of your sexual urges, the woman will often transfer the literal phyiscal interlocking to an emotional attachment and confirmation of blossoming feelings for her.

Ladies: If your special and exciting moments with your crush are most heavily encapsulated in pointless instant message interaction rather than actual dates and phone (NOT TEXT) conversations, he is just not that into you!! If he is, he will call you, consistently and perhaps constantly invite you out, and regularly ask when he will see you again. If you are the one doing all the work, extending or hinting at invites, and asking all the questions: Step back, whoop yourself upside the heayed (you know you deserve it) and realize that you are the only player in this fantasy relationship, POPULATION ONE.

Men: Well, aren't you always at the advantage. Women often play far fewer games! If we don't like you "like that" we often cannot bring ourselves to sleep with you. Heck I can barely bring myself to offer up a handshake! There are some exceptions to this rule of course, but generally "a woman looks for love and finds sex," while "a man looks for sex and finds love." So you can see our priorities are pointedly and often painfully reversed, and a woman will often use sex to express deeper, growing feelings. A man will often use sex to express, well, his erection. This is a fundamental difference between the sexes, people, take note of it!!!!

While I earlier cautioned womnen NOT TO read into dialogues or experiences with men, I will urge men to PLEASE DO read into those with your "lady friend!!" By reading into the messages you may be sending, guys, you will play a more moral game of not leading the girl on. On the other side, you will also deduce that if a girl is not incredibly responsive to your vocal or phyiscal interludes, she is really not that into YOU! Take your mind off your dick for a second and PAY ATTENTION TO THE CUES!! They may not always be spoken in her case either, but they are there! She too may not have the guts to tell you she's not into you, but please do take note of the awkward laugh, meager verbal responses, or sudden gravitation to whoever else is nearby.

Ladies, if this post has inspired you to reduce the inexplicably optimistic analysis of moments with your crush, and men, if you feel compelled to be more aware of the messages you may be sending or receiving, Nacho Cheese will have succeeded!