this is my love life...?

let me just say that i have no clue how the random people who enter my life are drawn to me...but it's as though i am a beacon of light in "skrrrrt, really? sea" during a fierce storm. i think i've always been this way, but it's gotten more noticeable lately.

it began after thanksgiving, when i was asked out on a date with a man who can only be referred to as the cheapest, pt cruiser driving, self-proclaimed athiest in the midwest. as he persistently checked our tab, i couldnt help but think that he had to have scraped the Jesus fish off of his cruiser...since i think that comes standard on those things. regardless, he just loved me...which is typical. weeks later, he sent me a text stating, "i heart blue slurpees." i replied, "you know what i heart? Jesus." and i mean he still texts me....nobody knows.

next came the 22 year old, to whom, i knew i shouldnt have even give a chance..since we're in two different places in life; i, looking to progress my career, get married in a couple years, have kids...and he, still excited about driving and highly focused on his jr. college classes. still, i thought, everyone keeps saying i need to be more open minded...what's a few, 4 years difference? well, lilbean, i guess he didnt need to read your tips on saving money for dates...homie came over with a movie he owned (instead of the plan to go see a movie), and proceeded to quote the lines of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days until i was consciously trying to transfer the tips to real life.

then there was mr. perfect a couple weeks ago. i was desperately trying to impress this engineer since he's the first normal-ish man ive met in an extraordinary long time. i was even able to pseudo look past the fact that he has this weird "flapper valve" malfunction, which makes him choke every third time he takes a drink (yes, he described the condition in detail)...and the fact that he affiliates all of his ailments with his severe malnourishment as a child, since his mother "didn't want overweight children"...(holy DCFS batman!) but, alas, he just wants to be pals...yeah, i have enough friends. i dont want a sleepover...i want a sexover.

but the most random person of all isnt a man of interest....it's the born-again-christian masseuse who decided to lecture to me about letting "our savior Jesus Christ" into my heart for the entirety of the hour during which i was naked on a table at her disposal. turns out that 2012 isnt the end of the world, as the bible (which she had clearly memorized) states that "no man can predict when the light of the world shall return." She also let me know that big G's only gonna take with him those who have been born again in the spiritual seed of Christ. so, looks like im fucked. also, she's 44 and single, and said she joked with God the other day, "hey, i need a man now to have babies, or at least give me 3 dogs!"..then she did a crazy laugh and invited me to have coffee with her ANYTIME, or to let her know if i need prayers...she also told me the latitude and longitude of her church so that i could attend with her daily. i swear it was as though i was staring my future, middle-aged, self in the face...............so i have that going for me, which is nice.